hastlin' der hasser

dream

2011-09-30T11:49:00.002-06:00

frustrating dreams have got me to thinking about my past. more specifically my first love, my first kiss...steven. we're back in school. all the old roommates are there. i see him in a room with half the roomies. i go to the other room. i had just gotten back from delivering some pizza to some girl who knew who i was. apparently i had been there the night before and had dropped money there. i did not remember her. so i get back to the apartment and i see him and i get angry. i remember that he left, that he broke it off with me. the others are also being short with him so he decides to leave. we go downstairs together because i have to go back to get my car to deliver more pizzas. once downstairs it seems like we're in new york. we both stand in the taxi line. we are both going to central station so we decide to share a taxi. once in line he begins to open up to me. he says something about his mother. he begins to cry. i try to kiss him and i drink his tears. we hug. we're somewhere else now. i tell him i loved him since i first met him..he tells me he loves me too. then i say the cliche, "you don't have to say it just because i say it," line.

weird weird weird. sometimes i hate dreams....oh well, time to get ready for work. good news, finally got a new acoustic. now i have to practice. get my fingers used to the pain.

the pain.....

so many things to do, so many thoughts going through my head. wish i had complete alone time. need to clean my room to get creative yet again.

2011-08-02T23:50:00.002-06:00

so it appears that I have smoked tobacco yet again. I found a broken cigarette in a box long forgotten in the center console in the truck. score, i thought to myself instantaneously, then i cringed at myself. no, i will not smoke this, i told myself. of course i did. i did other things tonight like bitch at JJ at the grocery store. I am at home now so obviously the evening did not go well.

The beginning of the day set the tone for what was to follow. I distinctly remember telling him last night about a job interview at 10am that would interfere with our previous plans of walking at 9am. I asked if we could walk afterwards? he said yes. this morning i call him after my interview which lasted about 14 minutes to see if he was ready for the walk. he has plans. wuuuuut? he says can he call me back? yes. he does and says, "okay, i blew off my plans, now we can go." "What plans?" I ask. "Nothing, it doesn't matter."

This is the thing. I would love to be with someone who remembers things. Someone who is able to see that not showering for almost 4 or 5 days and not having a problem with that is not a good thing, necessarily. Also, can I please be made a priority? I do all the driving, I used to buy boatloads of things before I saw that I have less than 70 dollars in my bank account. No matter what I did in the past, I will never get anything back from it. I know you're not supposed to do things for your gain, or to benefit, but i guess i thought i could. I thought i would really like that. I can't get that from this one.

more to come later

yummmm

2011-08-02T15:33:00.002-06:00

This nicorette gum is so tasty. If I keep saying that, will it become true? Well, maybe in my head it will. So I'm giving up the cigs again. They taste nasty, they're too expensive, and most importantly, my mother will return this Thursday and I had already quit back in April. No back-sliding around the momma-love. At least I'm killing two birds with one stone with the nicorette. Now I don't have to spend three bucks on two packs of gum. I have a whole box of delicious nicorette.

I know I should be cleaning like a mad-woman right about now but my legs won't have it. Earlier today after my most fascinating job interview for a pizza place, JJ, his dogs and I went for a walk along the Bosque. I got in my 11000 steps so that's good but now my legs are sore.

I will not buy cigarettes!
I will not buy cigarettes!

If I can stick to it, I think this may be the best time for me to really hunker down and get fit, lose some pounds, not be so fucking down on myself for all my rolls and bumps and dips. I am eating salads now as a rule of thumb before each meal or as a meal, except for breakfast of course. The egg will never be replaced. Man, I keep rationalizing my procrastination. One more episode of MadMen then it's off to clean the bathroom.

here we go again

2011-07-21T19:31:00.000-06:00

so here i am waiting for jj to get home. he went to a funeral rosary. his place is a sanctuary for friends who like to make messes and get fucked up. too much testosterone for my liking. wish jj and i could have a nice peaceful time together. wont happen. too many people. we did take a nice long walk by the river with the dogs this morning though. made my 12000 steps. have to try to lose 5 -10 lbs by august 1st. been unemployed two years now. i need a job already. the end more later.

the past is like a slap in the face and i feel like i need a cold shower

2010-01-10T20:47:00.002-07:00

so many old ghosts that come back to haunt me. so many times i thought he knew. he didn't and now i'm listening to a song by a band he recommended. i miss the music exchanges we had. i miss looking at his bony ass and wanting to bone him. maybe if i had the balls back then he could have broken my heart in person. maybe if i didn't have those two screwdrivers i wouldn't even be this affected. i did talk to him on aim after all. that's enough to bring back all the old feelings.

come on dance with me.

i had a pretty awesome while my friend was in town. kissed so many boys...made such a fool of myself. we were those girls. will this ever end?

ps. i should get over the coffee shop guy but now it just seems like i love to torture myself. piss or get off the pot right? wrong...sit there as long as it takes, just as long as the pain of legs that have fallen asleep and are tingling don't bother you too much.

je suis bone

2009-10-19T10:40:00.002-06:00

yes...i am bone. this is what happens when i get a good night's sleep. i say i am bone. finally got in some good hours. my chest is not feeling as congested.

last time i was in mexico i think i fell in love with this one kid. this morning my cuz tells me he's on messenger and i should chat with him. how i would love to but what's the point. that would be like staring at a really bomb ass hamburger i can't eat even though i'm really hungry. and he's got a kid now. good for him.

what's up with people? that one dude i used to hang out with for a while is back to professing his love for his ex. when he hung out he said she was crazy. i guess everyone is addicted to something. that fool needs to be in "love." well, good for him too i guess....

the end. i don't need to hear anything else about love today. except how i would love to go razzle dazzle...

if i had my way

2009-10-18T16:42:00.002-06:00

i would listen to my peter paul and mary records and i would also make all these children dissapear. since returning from my cousins friends party i have not had adequate rest. i want to sleep. i would enjoy some silence. the end.

i have to go to sleep

2009-10-04T01:01:00.002-06:00

lik3e rihgt about now....muy xuz just turned off the tv....htat is the sign for pleaesssssss go t slep...................and i will.....good nigh y'alls...just ahve to maek sur the beer is gone...its gone.

i will shortly go to sleep

2009-10-04T00:46:00.002-06:00

i have made mqanyh promises about bein at this baptism in the morning,,,,,i can do it. f only i g to sleep nw}ow....give it about twentyu minutes and i'll be alsep,. fo realsz....ies....i promis. two more gmaes aand one moer cigarette...

honey i want you sooo bad

2009-10-04T00:31:00.002-06:00

i'm listenign to bboby do while grandma is beign all awke in th keitchen....she need to go the fuck asleep. ofr reals....go to sleep.....i want you.

by cousin is sick i fear i am takinin advantage of this. he wants tpo sñee´´-. bit o dpmt wamt to sleep yet. please go to sleep.

passing out

2009-10-04T00:18:00.000-06:00

my cousin is about to pass the fuck out. oh to be young again...

my throat tastes like

2009-10-01T23:39:00.002-06:00

a night of cocaine

devil got my woman

2009-10-01T23:33:00.001-06:00

the original

2009-10-01T23:07:00.002-06:00

so now i'm listening to white stripes singing Jolene. at this moment i'm feeling like my fave bands are

white stripes
peter paul and mary
bob dylan
mates of state
belle and sebastian
the shins

i want to be in a folk/rock band...

i need to learn how to play an instrument..fur realzies

i love this

2009-10-01T22:50:00.001-06:00

folk=awesome

this is how i feel right now

2009-10-01T22:31:00.001-06:00

thank you bobby d

I may be drunk but

2009-10-01T19:40:00.001-06:00

I'm totally digging these blogs:

molls.tumblr.com
and her husbands's blog
kindafabulous.tumblr.com

reunited and it feels

2009-10-01T18:18:00.002-06:00

sooooo good. i shouldn't be this excited about drinking beer again but i am. all that is missing is my cousin. dentist said my tooth extraction site is healing nicely. i'll go in this saturday to begin taking impressions for the crowns. sunday i have a baptism to go to. i'm hoping that it's off the chain and that there be at least one cute single dude there that i can talk to. i love beer. anywho, so i was thinking that i'm a total hedonist. regardless of where i am i try to do everything that i want to do. example: razzle-dazzle. doesn't matter where i am, i usually get it. today i ended my antibiotics so i can finally have a beer. it's been two weeks since i've had a beer. luckily i have another caguama in the fridge.

i'm remembering back to the wedding. a white girl asked me how to use a tortilla. that was fun.

anywho....i plan on drinking the other forty and probably razzling in the restroom in a little bit. the end.

2009-09-29T09:36:00.001-06:00

so i realized that i no longer smile as much as i used to. i want to feel sad about this. i should just smile instead.

mmm...what a dream

2009-09-29T07:58:00.002-06:00

there's a gorgeous man in my room changing. he's completely butt naked. i tell him, "don't worry. i can't see your dick, i'm only checking out your ass. hurry up before i do something to you." so he gets some pants on, still shirtless and he turns to me. he still hasn't zipped up so i check out his crotch. huge bulge. then he tells me he wishes i would do something. so i do. we make out for a bit. not the best kissing but whatev. have i mentioned he had beatiful curly hair.
so we're going to a party. he's ready now i just have to finish getting ready. i choose a dress that he can look down with facility. what else happens. i take too long getting ready. i can't find my keys. i take another set. forget to close the inner wooden door and i can't unlock the metal door to close it. we leave. we go to this party where the old latino crew is at. i have mixed feelings about this. i see fatima and for some reason i'm being bitchy. she was super excited to see me and i was just blaze. that made her mad. it may be because we never talk anymore.....anywhozle. i forget what happens next but i remember that i'm about to get it on with this hot guy when....i wake up. why? because granny decides to start filing her fucking nails. it's 7 am granny. i may just be having a sex dream. arghhh...so frustrating. oh wells. i started my period. may be why i'm so fucking horny. the end.

lazy sunday

2009-09-27T11:13:00.002-06:00

i wish i could fast forward time. i say this because then my tooth will have healed and i could smoke a cig. the first time i quit smoking i did it when i got another tooth taken out. the thought of not smoking depresses me. i went through this the first time as well. i know i can quit and it's for the best but i don't want to. like i said i'd like to fast forward to when i can smoke. i need to buy razzle dazzle. a beer would be nice as well. damn you anitibiotics.

anywho, i made pancakes today. they're really good. they have bananas, walnuts and raisins. i accompanied them with eggs and bacon.

today at 6:30pm will be the three day mark, for the teeth. two more days and i can smoke. damn you dry socket threat.

i took a really nice crap today. the end.

so stoked

2009-09-26T13:37:00.001-06:00

so i've had this song in my head for years and today i've tracked it down.

Onomatopoeia by Fishboy on their record Zipbangboom...

go me...go google.

i love my mom

2009-09-26T11:10:00.002-06:00

we just finished talking for an hour. i told her to come visit me in mexico already. that got a good laugh. i wish i could go visit her/go home already. i do miss new mexico. i wish my teeth were fixed already. it may just be that i'm alone with granny in the house right now. my aunt left to visit her daughter for a week. my uncle and cousin are working. i just got a tooth extracted so i can't smoke, i can't drink....i may go crazy. damn mosquitos keep biting me. my cousin had a mosquito bite her and now she has the dengue or something like that. i have no clue what's going on over here. okay...time to eat breakfast. i wish i could blast my jams but of course this old lady is praying for the umpteenth time, in the living room. i bet if i go to the room, she'll find her way over there. i'll just have to take that chance.

blargh

2009-09-11T19:19:00.002-06:00

i'm back in mexico now and i feel different. i feel a little impatient. i miss people. i want to have fun. i wish my teeth were finished. i think i'm attracted to assholes. i miss certain people more than others.

i feel like i don't know what's going on in my life. once i get back to albuquerque i have to do things like find a job and be responsible.

many adventures were had in cali. good times over all. i like the silverlake area. if only i could move there and not be broke. better yet if i wasn't so cowardly i'd take risks. me meememmemememememe i bore myself sometimes.

i may go to guanajuato for september 15th. debating putting off taking the antibiotics until the 16th. momma needs her beer, especially if it's a party day.

memorable quote from trip: "shut the fuck up bitch"
harsh, yes
alcohol induced, yes
feel sorry about it, no

a few more hours

2009-08-31T20:11:00.000-06:00

just a few more hours until i fly to los angeles. i have to be at the airport at 4am. it is now almost 9pm. that leaves me with 7 hours. i don't have a suitcase yet. all my shit is laid out on the bed, waiting. the end. time to eat some sweet bread. i really wanna razzle but it'll have to wait until later when all the kiddies go to sleep.

one mo time

2009-08-28T12:39:00.002-06:00

so i'm counting down the days until i get to be "going going back to back to cali cali." the only thing is that "if i had to choose a coast, i got to choose the" WEST, i used to live out there, so don't go there. okay i'm done with notorious. it's all about westside connection anyways.

i had another strange dream. i remember that i saw this one dude i met on okcupid. we hung out more than once and i liked him, but he dropped me like i was not hot. ha. anywho, back to the dream. for some reason i see him and decide to approach. i think i had nowhere to go. something may have happened to where i was supposed to be. something like total annhialation. so i go up to him to say hello. he is wearing a white a thin shite t-shirt. i see that he has a huge tattoo of a knight, as in the chess piece. it's on the front of his body and on the back. we start chit-chatting. for some reason i'm standing behind him and i decide to scratch his back. he flinches hardcore because i scratched his tattoo. it was a big area of all black. i'm not sure what happened then. weird.

i need to get my period already. come on...please. i've been bitching for a while now and it's late already. please just get here so i don't have to worry about it while i'm in l.a. fucking timing. that concludes my period rant.

i'm totes making leah and balls this awesome embroidery thingy. i should get back to work on it. it takes forrrreeeeevooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr.

jw

2009-08-27T11:32:00.001-06:00

beginning of poop research

2009-08-24T21:10:00.001-06:00

i love it so much that i really need to get on the ball and learn all there is to know about it.

what a man, what a man, what a man, what a might good man

2009-08-24T20:30:00.003-06:00

well, i don't really know if he's really that good, but boy did the memory of coffee-shop-guy come in handy today while i was at the dentist. i went in for my fifth root canal and this one turned out to be the worst so far. the root canal wasn't finished today. my tooth was opened, cleaned for about an hour, then left with medicine in there to see if the bump/swelling in my gums goes down. but yes, i was thinking about him while laying in that chair fighting to hold back tears. you can't really cry too well anyways when you have a dental dam all up in your grill.

i've been thinking about him lately, hoping that he's still there when i return to albuquerque. if he's gone...well i don't want to think about that. i need to start thinking about my life. being here in mexico is like being paused. it's almost the same thing everyday and i haven't thought about my future. i need a job. what kind? don't know. i should go back to school. i should do many things. i should make friends. the end. first thing upon returning will be to go see coffee-shop-guy.

the way i play it out in mind goes something like this: (may use for future script)
dude:heeeeyyyy...i haven't seen you in a couple of months. where have you been?
me: i went to mexico. after i got laid off i figured i go down and fix my teeth and visit family. it was nice...how have you been?
dude: i've been good but i missed seeing you around.
me: (blushing) really. i've missed you too. when is your break?
dude: in about twenty. can you stick around?
me: i always do..

and bada bing bada boom...there it is. it can go many places after that but preferable it would lead to hanging out or even better making out and holding hands and all that lovey dovey shit.

the end.

i know i am delusional.

i feel like a peeping tom

2009-08-24T20:10:00.007-06:00

this is my cousin's tongue...how lovely

yes i'm looking at you

i'm video chatting with one of my cousins and her brothers happen to be there as well. they are playing rock band and all i can do is watch. i wish i was there. i miss them. my aunt probably misses them more than i do though. she is their mother after all.

i wish these blasted teeth would be fixed magically so i could travel already. but it's okay. i do plan on staying here until the end of october so hopefully that'll give me time to party it up in another state...

anywho...i really want to smoke a joint. i have to wait until around twelve though...maybe one am when the streets are relatively empty so i can do it outside. of course granny will probably never go to fucking sleep. how could she.

the end.

i miss my friends

things are looking up

2009-08-21T12:52:00.003-06:00

my mom finally understands that i'm going to stay in mexico a very long time. so long that when i return i must immediately look for a job. i'm feeling like making things, which is a good thing because i should do something. yes, i was sad when my cousin left but i'm getting over it. there's no point in saying no to something that has to be. i'm glad for him. i used to be young like him once. i remember how much fun it was. really...good for him. i just hope that when i visit in sept or october that he'll still hang out with me. i'm not really considered cool. he on the other hand is part of a hipster friends group. everyone is skinny and super fashionable and they party party party. i used to party, but it was more general partying...or rather partying without identifications. we were just those crazy girls that got crunk and danced up a storm and hit on dudes and what not. good thing i'm seeing my friends sept 1st...holler. i can't wait. the end. time to go wash clothes...work never ends. today i'm going to go buy some water colors to keep painting. the end...for realz.

sonic boom + spaceman 3

2009-08-20T17:10:00.002-06:00

peter kember

2009-08-20T17:00:00.003-06:00

found him today on the internets....

new crush?

omegle saved me

2009-08-20T16:42:00.003-06:00

this one goes out to omegle.com because without them i would be bored.

Stranger: hey
You: hello
Stranger: hey
You: hi
You: what did you eat today?
Stranger: crap
You: sounds good
Stranger: yup
Stranger: u?
You: homemade flour tortillas, eggs and ham, sliced tomato, and mexican cheese
You: and very cold chocolate milk
Stranger: sounds aweful :(
You: yeah it was pretty good
Stranger: hahahaha
Stranger: awful*
You: so what's your name?
Stranger: im ashley :)
You: i'm emelie
Stranger: hello emelie
You: im 12 years old
Stranger: cool
You: how old are u?
Stranger: 16
You: wow...you're old
Stranger: yea ur young
Stranger: when im 20
Stranger: ur 16

i smoked in the restroom...twice today. i'm razzle-dazzled right now...i'll probs go in the room to sleep.

the end.

i need more water, asap

i've got a case of the sads

2009-08-17T23:01:00.002-06:00

so my cousin left today to live in another state. i feel alone now. i have to stay here another month to get my teeth fixed and i just wish he was here. i walked to the place that we go to razzle-dazzle and i had to hold back the tears. this morning he was here and now he's gone. poof...gone.

i need to pep the fuck up but i feel so blah. he's probs hanging out with his friends right now. times like these make me miss my friends, but i will see them soon at the wedding. 10 days in cali should do me good.

need to buy:
5 tubes of toothpaste..the good shit
1 mens deodarant
1 tube of fixodent
and whatever else i see that's cool maybe some more art things for my cousin...maybe some shoes if i see a good deal. the end. i need to shower then probably go to sleep. no reason to stay up later.

my poor cousin

2009-08-06T23:15:00.002-06:00

is throwing up right now and my aunt is consolling-helping him right now. i kind of feel guilty cuz' i was there today as shit went down. to be honest i thought he'd last longer. i still like him though.

trippin unknown balls

2009-07-31T19:55:00.002-06:00

well i may know what it is but dammmn. i used to do the wet noodle dance where basically you're a spaghetti noodle swaying in the wind. right now i feel like that all the time.....

beer beer and more beer

2009-07-31T14:26:00.001-06:00

so i'm at the house drinking with my cousin. nos estamos poniendo bien pedos y todavia estamos un poso pachecos. eeejjjaai.....

atlas shrugged

2009-07-28T23:11:00.002-06:00

so i'm re-reading this book yet again. i'm in the living room. my cousins are stripping plastic wire to obtain the copper inside. it reminded me of D'Anconia Copper. i'm in love with Francisco D'Anconia. that was a tangent...the end.

i miss coffee-shop guy.

ja

2009-07-10T11:24:00.001-06:00

my cousins friends are cute. the end. we are planning on going out tonight but we don't know where yet. i hope i'm able to be interesting and such. it's difficult trying to talk casually over here because i'm not down with the lingo yet. i've learned a few things though...okay, time to go find somewhere to make copies.

i am in a small town

2009-07-08T19:13:00.002-06:00

and it's hot as balls...like big sweaty balls. i am watching southpark online. i wish this town had a coffee shop. i miss my car. i wonder how my turtle is doing. i need to decide what to do this weekend. i've been invited to two places. i kind of want to stay here though just so that i can go out on friday night and party with my cousins.

i miss the razzle dazzle...and the coffee shop guy. i wonder how he's doing?

once a fuck up...always a fuck up

2009-06-30T21:51:00.002-06:00

so here's the story. i quit smoking cigs late november last year because i was having tooth probs and i couldn't do it so i figured, "why not quit?" here's the current deal. i took up smoking again because i am weak and addicted. i know that i smoke socially and i know that i love being social. i'm about to leave in a few hours to mexico but of course it couldn't just go as planned. my mom decided to take a peek into my purse and she saw the packs of cigs i bought for the trip. so the end. she's now saying i have no respect for her and i treat her like shit and she gives and gives and gives. she does give. what i don't get is why she keeps expecting things in return. holy shit i just had a revelation. i do the same thing. i buy people things hoping to get in return. i guess that is the lesson i learned today. i will never get anything in return because i am the same way. anywho, now she is outside praying and crying and just being disillusioned with me in general. i guess now she thinks i'm going to mexico to party it up like the devil's spawn.

so i feel terrible. shit is ruined and it's my fault. why didn't i hide those cigs immediately. i already know my fucking mother does not respect my privacy (do not search my purse please) so i should know better. i feel like i will always fuck shit up because i am selfish and i do what i want and i will never be the person she wants me to be. i want her to understand that it is true. i will never be that person. i will always be my fucked up self. why can't she love my fucked up self. i wish she didn't think i was going to hell to burn for eternity for all my sins. she told me, "one day you will regret the things you do." isn't that a great way to live your life...living in fear because of some religion. maybe i will go to hell...maybe i won't. no one knows...you only find out when you die so i guess we'll see.

i wish my mom liked me right now. she doesn't. she said she wanted to tear me apart with her hands. now she's not going to get any sleep tonight and i will be miserable for a few days. now she may not help me with getting my teeth fixed. oh wells, we all gotta go somehow. i will probably die from bad teeth.

We'll meet in Mesopotamia

2009-06-30T19:38:00.002-06:00

So i'm almost ready for Mexico. I'm getting together some music. I hate all the steps involved. I need to get one of those fancy music players. I have this little 1GB one which is cool but i have to upload songs from cds in itunes...then convert them to mp3s...then upload them to the music player...arrghhh....

anywho, i'm excited about leaving tomorrow morning. i'm going to be in phoenix for 2.5 hours. i'll be bored out of my mind. def not looking forward to that.

i wish i could be one of those people who packed really light. instead i have this huge suitcase filled with stuff. my reasoning is that i'll be there for nearly two months, so it's okay.

man, i've been hanging out with corazon lately and i gotta say i really like that kid. i will miss him when i'm gone. i feel very selfish around him. i want him all to myself but i know that will never happen. there's something about him that drives me good-crazy. i need to accept that we'll only be friends though.

i remember once when all three of us were hanging out he said he thought he loved this one girl, but that she was too mexican. when we hung out monday night he got a call and i assume it was her because he walks away from the table and i hear him say some sort of pet name. whatevs...there's history there. i'll find something else eventually. being single rules...right? yes, yes it does. i'm not ready for "me" to become "we" so i'm good. unless "we" is really really attractive.

okay back to the music thing...i wonder if i can take prescription pills?

White Sands and then some

2009-06-19T06:49:00.002-06:00

I'm waiting for chad to pick me up so we can begin our road trip adventure to white sands. So many things have happened in the past few days. No more therapy. Confusing boy issues...i'm going to mexico july 1st...woo. unemployment things to take care of....

my eyes burn. i stayed up until two cleaning my razzle dazzle for the road. i need to be straight up with chad. i think i'll do it before i leave for mexico. we can go back to friends status. i used to say, "why doesn't anyone like me?" now that someone likes me i say, "why can't someone different like me?" be careful what you ask for....for realz.

okay...bye y'alls. be back, hopefully with good stories to tell.

change

2009-06-14T22:19:00.002-06:00

I got laid off this past thursday, right after i returned from lunch. I'm only a little sad. More relieved than anything. I guess life is telling me to go elsewhere, now i just have to decide. I will be going to Mexico pretty soon. My mom suggested I go and I can't turn down a trip to Mexico. I love Mexico. Anywho, i'll be doing that, then Cali for the wedding.

Hmmmm....so many things have happened from thursday to now. I was "that girl" thursday night. I decided to go out downtown directly after leaving work. Lets just say i got crunk. It was such a lovely time, the first half. I chatted it up with some randos and read tons of Bukowski. Lots of chill time. By the time my friends met up with me i was already 5 drinks down. Next came the bottle of rum that was snuck in, in a bag...some more drinks. Some ghetto dancing at the ghetto dancing place. Me walking out to go have a good cry on a bench. Calling friends and saying god knows what. Rejoining the group. Making out with chad in the streets. Falling in the street in front of the bar. No one laughed, i was told. Is this a good thing? whatevs...and later later other things. Freaking out my mom by not calling. Having her call work to find out i was laid off. Coming home eventually only to discover it's okay she saw it coming and now i'm off to Mexico soon. Will i razzle in Mexico...i hope so.

Tomorrow i need to resume with tracking my food and exercise. For reals, i have had way too many carbs today. I'm going to have chad meet my mom tomorrow because our trip to White Sands is still on.

I'm juggling too many things right now. I sometimes do feel like a bitch. I started lying. It's so easy to do...first one then another, then, oh shit i need to keep my story straight.

I wonder if i'm going with this new thing because i can't have what i think my heart truly desires. I know that you can never possess anyone but when i'm around a certain someone i feel a little crazy. I feel like i want to be with this person, but i can't. oh wells....

okay time for something else...razzle, painting, reading or sleep...or all of them. we'll see.

I've been going to the coffee shop and really enjoying my time there. I've been writing a series of poems. At the time they sounded good. Now i know i'm not a writer but as long as i enjoyed it. I'll post them later.

Bankshot

2009-06-11T14:11:00.003-06:00

"our vulnerability is all our insensitivity
and it's gonna be the death of us just you wait and see"

Yes. I am currently listening to Operation Ivy...swoooon. They totes take me back to high school. In my senior year I took ceramics and I sat across the table from a really cool punk kid and some other semi-punk, way more emo kid. Okay, the non-punk was completely emo. I remember reading his poem in the high school newspaper. It was about kissing some girl and how marvelous it was and how sad he was that it ended. Of course it was about 20 times longer and way more rhymey and sad...boo hoo..But I digress, I sat across from them and everyday I'd look at the punk kid's vest. It was covered in spikes and patches and it was tore up. This is where I learned of OpIvy...of any punk for that matter. The seed was planted. Here it is, grown. Me at work trying to rock out inconspicuously.

"Caution is a word that I can't understand"

Anywho, I had a really good lunch. I called Chad and talked to him for a good 25 minutes. I razzled. I got an iced-coffee and I talked to a good friend. There's nothing better than bitching to girlfriends about whatev. It's cool when they stick around despite the road-rage. "No, no, i'm not calling you a 'fucking piece of shit." I'm talking to homeboy in the yellow van."

Oh look at the time...time for me to bust out this work. After work i'm walking by the river trails....yay. I wonder what sort of story i'll weave today?

i'm so confused

2009-06-11T08:55:00.002-06:00

HOMEBOY=grifter?

are we only friends?
did he ever like me?
why do i always like ppl who don't like me?
why do i feel so sad?
or is it a void?

i want to know more about Homeboy. it seems unnatural this attraction. i just want to forget about the whole thing. change upsets the system.

once you switch gears,
the ride is never the same.

well...

2009-06-10T10:26:00.002-06:00

i was going to write about these awesome books i got (TALES OF BEATNIK GLORY BY ED SANDERS and Bukowski's Sifting Through The Madness For The Word, The Line, The Way) but instead i'll take a moment or two to express my feelings of complete powerlessness in our current economic situation. i learned today that as of the end of june i will no longer have health insurance. this has left me feeling a bit delfated but at least it will push me to go to the doctor's before then. what else can i do. oh yeah, our hours have already been cut. all we need next is to actually be fired. wait and see i guess.

i wonder if this is just a part of it...of living here. i wonder if everyone has to go through shit to come out better. i'll just say i hope so for now. i hope things begin to turn around...

okay, question. why doesn't the government give the PEOPLE money? hey lets give some other fools money. i know that we have to revive our economic system but what i don't understand is why bring it back to life? we need a new system. i don't think that'll happen anytime soon though. as long as we are Capitalists there will be no change. i know some people work hard for what they have and that's all good, but there are so many factors left unconsidered.

ps. now i really hope coffee-shop-guy is working today, because looking's free...umkay...and i'm running low on cash.

taking it back old school

2009-06-10T08:03:00.003-06:00

Man i'm being hit by a wave of nostalgia. It's the music and the weather. Everything else is new and albuquerque related. Anywhozle, i'm listening to Alkaline Trio's S/T cd and the sky is brown/gray overcast, it just finished raining and it's windy. This would be so perfect if i was still living at Stardust. I could listen to these heart wrenching songs in the gloomy weather thinking of all my unrequited crushes...oh good times. Instead i'm here, eating my Kashi Vive w/blueberries and soymilk, wondering how much work will really get done today? I love procrastinating y'alls. I alread uploaded a shiz load of songs to my new and kind of whack mp3 player.

I dreamt again last night. I think this is the third night in a row. They are pleasant dreams but i still can't remember them. Chad decided to talk to me again. We are going to hang out tonight. I guess que sera sera, but i'm still not attracted to him. How can I be? I mean i've already hooked up with his cute/hot friend. I guess I'm looking for an assertive cute-ish dude. Anywho, yes, we're going to hang out and i'll see if he still wants to go to White Sands next friday. I still want to go. I still...lots of things..

Even though my clothes fit me better today, and my outfit is totes cute today, the number on the scale is still refusing to come down. That's cool. In retaliation i'm going to do the elliptical for 50 minutes today...what what...okay the end. Time to start my work...boo work...boo urns.

ps. i'm totes going to the coffee shop today. I'm prepared. Cute outfit=check, make-up in purse=check, no lunch from home=check. I hope i get in some words with scott....mmmkay? umkay.

pss. i'm totes trying to juggle 2-3 dude things right now...i love multi-tasking.

summer time summer time

2009-06-09T14:38:00.001-06:00

even though it's starting to get windy as balls outside i'm still wishing for summertime, which is weird because when it does start getting hot, i'm not going to like it...whatevs..

i've had a very interesting day so far. i've been in texts with an old friend from CA. good times. the end.

after work i'm going to drive around and find something to do except go home...home is for suckas.

insanity rising

2009-06-09T11:59:00.002-06:00

i can feel myself going crazier right about now. i decided to print some google maps of the trails i walk after work. basically i learned that i'm not walking as much as i thought, which would make sense because i'm not losing as much weight as i think i should be. my first thought was to buy a hamburger but i know i shouldn't. i should accept and move on and plan to move more in the future. man, i'm so jonesing to play some tennis but my tennis parter (sister-in-law) is having baby issues. my niece is running a fever so that is top priority...she needs to get better. i need to whack some balls. i guess it would be good for me to try and find a tennis partner here in the SW quadrant. someone without kids.

anywho, i'm still debating what to do at lunch. i think it would be too weird to go again today, after having gone yesterday to see the coffee-shop-guy. i'm not too confident in this outfit either so it's for the best, or is it....okay, i've got to hold my horses.

i need to buy an mp3 player. maybe i'll do that today.

53 more minutes to lunch...i can make it. i will not go back to that coffee place today...

worse off than yesterday

2009-06-09T09:05:00.003-06:00

this morning was just plain unpleasant. i woke up late-ish and got ready. i'm rushing out the door and once i get in the car my right eye-ball starts tearing up/leaking. i think i got lotion in there. so the whole drive to work i'm trying to fight against going to sleep and being able to see. i get to work and my boss decides to run on the air conditioning. i of course didn't bring a sweater today. i didn't bring much today except a bad attitude. so now i'm freezing and i'm mad at myself for daydreaming about the coffee-shop-guy yesterday while on my walk.
even as i was doing it i knew it was bad because there is no point in imagining things the way you want to them to go because they don't go that way. in my daydream adventures he turned out to be a glass worker/blower/artist thingy and he lived in his studio because he hasn't yet wanted to tap into his trust fund. wishful thinking right. after our first encounter of hanging out he asks me to marry him and i say yes...que cute right? right. so i spent 55 minutes walking the river paths playing out how it would be with him. i'm so glad he had money in this dream. so now i feel i'm being pulled in many directions. should i do anything about the whole chad situation? (i feel shitty about how things went down but how do i fix this?) should i even care about Homeboy? is he still alive? probably. Should i go to the coffeeshop today even though i went yesterday and i know scott is there? it's really hard to control myself in these matters. listening to Morrissey's Vauxhall and I is not helping. It only reminds me more of Scott...damn him and his hotness and his nice hair and his tall lankiness and his messed up teeth and his slight speech impediment. okay the end. i think i've expelled about 50% of the crazy.

i don't know what i need.

ps. my friends rule

feeling much better indeed

2009-06-08T14:21:00.003-06:00

i could stress out about every single thing i do, but what would be the point in that? todays encounter with scott the coffee-shop-guy has left me walking on sunshine. not to be confused with the sunshine feeling of that girl from the show Intervention...anywho, so i go in and the girl takes my order. scott is at the next register helping out some foolios. i tell her my order then she compliments my necklace. i say, thanks, yeah i made it from earrings. i lost the other one. what's the point of buying jewelery. to lose one piece then make a necklace. i was getting a little wordy at this point so i shut up. then scott chimes in, "have you seen stained glass earrings?" and i say something like i may have seen them. i can see that in my head. i then tell him i'd google it and if it's not there he could be an inventor. at this point i'm standing in front of his register talking to him. then i tell him he's gotta make a pair...then the convo ends, i turn to fix my iced-coffee. i consider this progress. he took part in the convo today. each time i go in there i chit chat with the girl and he's just there, standing, so today he talked....yay. it seems like he has some sort of lisp, which i like, but maybe this is why he seems so shy. anywho, i like him. is it possible to like many people? yes...definitely. there's so much to fall in love with out there. too bad you can't mix and match.

on the drive back to work i was thinking about my lifestyle or rather my sexual politics. i used to really want to be in a committed relationship...then i got my heart broken by the first dude i ever really really liked (to the point where i thought, "could this be love?") then it's been more about having fun adventures. yes, i've had my fun, well, i continue to have fun...that's the thing. will i ever change or should i just embrace myself as i am and fuck the rest? i think i should just not give a shit. we spend so much time worrying about what other people think but in the end it's wasted time.

this whole coffee-shop-guy interaction today has lifted my spirits. i keep wondering if i should be more aggresive by trying to make a move or not. if things keep progressing i may make a move. it's better to find out than to not. like earlier today i was wondering where the used condoms went. i was wondering about it so much that the answer appeared at my feet. i pop out of the car and what do i see? the condom, the box and wrapper, all stuffed under the drivers side seat...go me. mystery solved.

argh

2009-06-08T11:00:00.003-06:00

i think i may be suffering from the female equivalent of blue balls. i means it seems appropriate seeing as to how i profess to be so guy-like. all i need are the balls...bam, blue balls. and it's only monday...

friday

2009-06-08T08:51:00.002-06:00

so friday night was a blast, with consequences but a blast nonetheless. after work i go for a walk by the river trails then head home to hang out with the peeps for a bit. i end up going to chad's place around 10:10pm. he is cleaning his place, walking around in his garras. anywho, i'm ready to go out downtown and live it up, but that aint happening cuz he says he's broke. so i say, lets go anyways, i'll pay. instead we opt for going out to buy beer and just chilling. he calls Homeboy to meet up with us. when we're on our way to get the beer, Homeboy joins us. we get stuff, which chad refuses to let me pay for, then head back. we begin to take shots of rum with beer. i think we had three before we decide to climb the sand hill next to his apt. thank goodness i was drunk because that was hard work. i got up there last but i made it. we're up there sitting in lawn chairs just talking. we end up talking about sex because it started as truth or dare. i'm not doing any dares, umkay, i'm not moving out of that chair. whatevs...time passes, we're sharing info. chad is sitting in the middle. earlier in the night Homeboy winked at me..i don't know what that meant, but whatev. he later slapped my ass...i'm still okay with this. after we get off the hill we go back to chad's. Homeboy wants to leave with me. i want to leave with him as well. i tell him i'd give him a ride home so we leave. this is where things get complicated. i didn't see my phone, but chad had texted me to come back to his place after dropping homeboy off. of course i couldn't do that because i didnt' go to drop him off.
we drove around all night. we pulled over somewhere and had some fun...it was just so nice, talking to him, holding his hand...being with him. we had breakfast together which was nice as well then we went to the swap meet. i then dropped him off and got home at 10am. i slept until 3:30pm. i later get a text from chad, "what happened last night? did u and Homeboy hook up?" what am i supposed to say to this..i was freaking out a bit. i didn't tell him anything and i guess neither did Homeboy because 30 minutes later i get this text, "wow. none of you have responded. NICE." okay, so you know now, right dude?

Homeboy texts me saturday evening to ask if i wanted to blaze. i say sure. i figure i can leave the house because my mom is not home. so i meet up with him at a friends house and we have a drink and smoke. we leave shortly after. what to do now? it's around 9:00pm and homeboy wants to walk to chad's. the walk there was the longest ever. it was sort of like 1 step forward 2 steps backward. the walk over there was pretty insane. this is where i was wondering about corazon...wondering what is up with him. was he acting all the way over there. basically he's pretty out there and his energy dwarfs mine. we finally make it there and do nothing. i feel like i'm giving out some weird awkward vibes because supposedly Homeboy told chad that nothing happened with us. so yes, we're sitting in the chairs and chad's at his desk. Homeboy looks at me and starts making lewd gestures, sort of seeing if i want to leave with him...i say sure, i'd love to. so corazon then goes into his 'act' of being so drunk he needs to go home. chad eventually gives us a ride back to my car and Homeboy and i end up going downtown. we get dinner and walk around. i learn more about Homeboy. things i wish i could change. i wish i could do things for him but i can't. so now i'm wondering if i like like him. i mean i love being with him...just walking around holding his hand. but anywho, now we're here. chad is mad. he feels betrayed and so much more. i still haven't talked to him. he says he was cockblocked but he really wasn't. the thing is if i'm hanging out with you and we're drinking, yes i may touch your shoulder and lean on you, or something, but this does not mean i want to fuck you. i already told that fool i just wanted to be his friend. in conclusion don't hook up with friends of friends, if you can help it.

i need to call chad and see what's up.

i can't stop thinking about Homeboy. I'm hoping that my regular dose of coffee-shop-guy will help.

i love this

2009-06-07T19:17:00.000-06:00

long weekend

2009-06-07T18:29:00.001-06:00

so lots of things happened this weekend. i hurt the new-guy's feelings because of friday night's happenings. pretty much i don't know if he'll still be my friend...but shit happens. i did have an interesting time at least. so, que sera sera...i'll go into deets later.

ps. he was not being cock-blocked. i was not interested...

Fridays were made for gangster rap...west coast style

2009-06-05T14:26:00.003-06:00

"hold up...wait"
snoop doesn't look too good with that hair...just saying.

so today is interesting. i went downtown to use the atm...saw lots of people walking around. they reminded me that i don't like huge crowds of families, or people in general.

i'm going out tonight but now i'm having second thoughts because i know i'll drink. i guess it's cool. that's why i'm going for a walk and to play tennis today.

i kinda told the coffee shop girl that she looked tired. in retrospect i should never tell anyone they look whack cuz,that's whack-whack..whaaaauauauack.

the end. time to wrap it up and get ready for the outside world.

so many rappers in love

2009-06-05T10:30:00.002-06:00

so many fake ass thugs..on the radio...

oh how i love my Westside Connection. We go back to 7th grade.

anywho, it's friday, i'm happy. but at present present i'm a bit grossed out. my boss had this thing on his back that is bleeding so my other co-worker is checking it out. i swear, this place is like i'm at home or something...

i don't need to think about bloody sores...or whatev..

i aint got nothing but the blues

2009-06-04T22:55:00.002-06:00

j/k. i'm listening to Ella and this is what she's singing. anywho, i went to Ranch Market because produce was on sale today and my mother requested watermelon, bananas, cherries and jamaica....she is so fruity...anywhozle, who do i see there? the first dude i met when i went out the first month i was here. we met at the AC and we talked about lots of stuff. we then hung out at this place for a bit then went back. i think it fizzled towards the end. i'm thinking that he saw me as a kid because i told him i lived at home and had to be back by a certain time (11pm..what kind of bullshit is that?). so yeah, i saw him there tonight and he was looking good..umkay? ummkay. he had his nice sideburns going on and his fro-ey hair..plaid shirt. good times. i am certain that in the future i will have seen every albuquerque resident at some point or another.
the end...
time to sleep...finally. tomorrow's friday and i'm going out...i'm too excited. the end fo reals...

ps. that FB scrabble game was pretty pimp once i got used to the screen. it's not the same as having the tiles in your hand to rearrange. but whatev...i want to play again.

bon soir et bon ape-tit

i suck hardcore

2009-06-04T12:07:00.003-06:00

scrabble is one of those games i wish i was expert at. all the small words not worth many points are mine. "justice" is def fatty's word. Word.

los angeles activities....

2009-06-04T11:58:00.003-06:00

-amoeba records
-shabu shabu
-beach
-griffith to hike
-los feliz to check out the hipsters
-taco trucks
-dancing
-dranking
-downtown-shopping/pics...maybe
-rose garden
-pasadena?
-botanical gardens?
-wedding...for sure

these are too many things but i want to do them all...maybe i should look into renting a car, but where the hell would i park it. dario has but one space and it's for his car...i'll figure something out...i'm just so jazzed right now.

i want to do it all...i miss california. hope the weathers good when i get there.

tech-no-lo-gy

2009-06-04T10:15:00.001-06:00

rules...i'm playing facebook's equivalent of scrabble right now with fatty...what what?

i can't wait to go back to cali for that wedding. there are new motivations now.

i ended up going to ross and buying some stuff yesterday. white reebok high tops, pants and some tops. i played tennis for an hour as well. my legs are sore and so are my hands from gripping the racket. the end...i have a scrabble game to get to.

i love flirting and tomorrow's friday...yay...you know i want to go out already.

what to do?

2009-06-03T14:09:00.002-06:00

this song is the jam...straight up. i was rocking out to it in my parked car not twenty minutes ago when i was approached by a Mormom asking me to read a story in the pamphlets he gave me. i wonder how much waste would be cut down if the mormons stopped printing a million booklets. but i guess that could go for nearly every major religion...we love to print shit. whatevs this song is the jam...straight up. full circle.

so i'm debating what i should do after work. i can go take a walk by the river, go to ross and see what's up, or something else...like drink a beer. no, i shouldn't drink a beer. i would if it was friday...damn you mon-fri. anywhozle, i think i may just go to ross. i still need to exercize though...

yesterday i played tennis for the first time in like two years. it was off the chain. when marie gets better, i'll be able to whack that little yellow ball. i need to work on my serve...the end. time to get some work donw...43 min. to freedom. the final countdown...

billie holiday....i love him.

2009-06-02T14:13:00.004-06:00

this song is because i saw coffee-shop guy today. i commented on his music. they were playing music on his ipod: the smiths...le sigh. this is how i almost fell in love with one of my friends, then i found out he is gay. could coffee-shop guy be gay? part of me hopes so, cuz really, if not then i need to make this happen soon. or at least an awkward situation. i can make that happen.

sighing like a contented lover.
chest heaving, heart dancing in my chest,
and all it took was a look.
now if only we can tear down the wall
between us and exchange words
face to face or
better yet, no words.
Let me hear your body talk.

Unrequited-? things are good for one thing.
creative inspiration...expression.
More containers to fill with your emotions.
Empty vessels no more, some even
overflowing.
Who will stop the flow?

(that last line reminds me of blood...hahaha) okay the end.

WHY?

2009-06-02T10:55:00.002-06:00

why do i like Why? so much? Because they sound awesome...

These Few Presidents

"even though i haven't seen you in years,
yours is a funeral i'd fly to from anywhere."

Fatalist Palmistry

The Vowels, Pt. 2

new

2009-06-02T10:11:00.002-06:00

i have to get a pic of the clasp up as well...it's from an old necklace...the middle strand is part of the original necklace....

vital energies are returning

2009-06-02T08:00:00.002-06:00

and it breaks my ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha heart

thanks to nehizle for exposing me to Regina Spektor. Es la Bomba!

Anywho, yes, my vital energies are returning. Last night i discovered that i could razzle out my window. how Glorious. as long as the wind doesn't blow the stuff back in, i'm golden, and i just got some of those plug in scent thingies and they smell. smell good, but still, smell strong enough to mask some trace razzle odors. I got nice and razzled and pulled out the paints. I didn't do much but it was fun. I'll keep working on it at night.

After getting home from work yesterday i went outside to jump on the trampoline. It was soooo nice, fun and relaxing. I was looking at all the beautiful clouds and jumping and jumping. It really did feel like i was shaking off all the shit that had stressed me earlier. I think I should jump today as well...the end.

Seven more hours of being here....Six more hours of work....then freedom. It's so weird, i want to hang with chad, but then i don't. I don't know why i feel nervous...arghh...he's going to meet my mom.

neil young is the bomb

2009-06-01T12:09:00.003-06:00

i've gone to bury you in the yard.
no longer will i see your copper lines.
no longer will i think of you.
putting to rest what's been dead
for a while.
time to bury the decomposed remains.
lowering the bones in the hole, shall
i place them on a blanket of weeds,
or directly on the dirt?
there's nothing left to consider,
only time to grieve, but not for long.
i've been living with this ghost for a while,
so if it makes it's final departure,
i'm sure i'll never know.
i'm sure i'll keep going.

honky tonk woman

2009-06-01T08:23:00.005-06:00

Taj Mahal

so i've had this record- Jorma Kaukonen: Quah (1974)

for a while now and i never looked it up to see what the deal was. i looked it up today and learned a bit. Jorma Kaukonen was a member of Jefferson Airplane then went on to other things and solo albums. I got it initially for the crazy drawing but when i listened, i did like it. man...having records is the shit. yesterday when i got home my mother was still out so i razzled and listened to the Allman Bros. and Pavement. I think I'll listen to this Jorma record today though.

i love this song: Embryonic Journey

i bought some records yesterday:

The Allman Brothers Band: S/T (1969)
The Isaac Hayes Movment: S/T (1970)
Phil Ochs: Chords of Fame (1976)
Pavement: Terror Twilight (1999)

books:
Anais Nin Journals: vol. 1.
early writings by Marcel Proust (forgot the title)

now i have enough to read and do for a while. i need a nap. and some meat.

blakheick

2009-05-31T10:25:00.001-06:00

so now i'm confused about chad. i blame it on a dream i had two nights ago. i dreamed that his ex was hanging with us and they were in each others grills. i think i felt jealous. does this mean anything? even though i try to talk to other dudes i think it bothers me to know that he's doing the same thing with girls. WTF...i know, i'm being retarded. okay bye...time to make my egg salad sandwich for breakfast.

more on this later. i need to grow a pair....

things that make you go hmmmmm?

2009-05-29T14:21:00.003-06:00

okay, so the thing about making plans is that they never work out the way you thought they would. about the movie, now i'm not sure. chad want's me to pick him up after work. i get out at 3. the movie starts at 3:30. problemo-mucho? maybe.

anywhozle...i think i ate too much. too many grams of fat, not enough protein, and if i go and have drinks that'll only mean more carbs. but....i said i'd be good today so i should be able to get home at a relatively decent hour and exercise...right? i hope so.

i feel like such a cuckoo when i go to the coffee shop razzled and i talk alot to the person ringing me up. today i was asking abuot healthier options and then asking for no mayo...and a side salad. i fucked up when i said blue cheese dressing though. those little fuckers (fatty dressings) can ruin things quick. i'm glad i closed the dressing. i'm going to put in the fridge upstairs so that i'll have something for salad next week, if i want it. man....35 more minutes...then freedom. i need to do some work and chop some logs before i go out into the world.

me sooo hungry

2009-05-29T10:06:00.002-06:00

i think i'm going to eat my lunch right now....my stomach is needing food. blargh. i guess i'll eat my snacks for lunch. i had a burger yesterday at lunch. it was good and it wasn't. the salt was good....okay it was good. it better be good for 690 calories...crazy.
i don't know why i'm craving all this bad food but it needs to stop.

i totes forgot but tomorrow i'm going to check out the river race w/chad. how fun. maybe we can have some early morning beers and some razzle...or just some lunch and chilling...who knows....bye

TGIMTF. the post of "Y'ALLS"

2009-05-29T09:00:00.001-06:00

thank goodness it's mother truckin' friday

y'alls...

i feel crazy urges...like wanting to do things. after work i'm going to watch a movie called The Glass House about women in Tehran...looks excellent. i know i'm going to cry...then it's off to therapy from 6-7pm...then i want to go to the Blackbird Buvette. so i talked to some dude on okcupid a while ago and he said he'd be djing that night...so mayhaps i'll stop by and have a beer or two and ch-check it out. some days are better than others. i slept wonderfully last night and was only two minutes late today. and flo is leaving town...22-25 more glorious days of freedom. tmi time y'alls. and i just got paid....man, money really does the trick of pepping me up. knowing i'm not broke for a few weeks...what a relief. time to buy plane tickets y'all.

MOTHER TRUCKIN TRUCKS AND STUFF

2009-05-28T11:59:00.002-06:00

So things are picking up slightly today. We got a fab job to work on...yay, and i've spent a bit of time looking for an old file. Of course i didn't find it because the person who worked here before me didn't believe in being organized. Filing for that person meant stuffing papers into boxes. I know i should organize it all but just thinking of that task makes me not want to do it. I need to break it up into smaller parts. Hi, i'm rachel, welcome to my world. It's full of papers. super annoying. anywhozle...don't know what i'm doing for lunch today. I'd like to just get some subway and chill at the park. I should go walking because i pretty much stopped doing that but i really just want an Italian BMT....mmmm...salami. Maybe i shouldn't be about subway salami but i'll take it where i can get it....

speaking of getting it. i'm going to go crazy from sexual frustration. sometimes i just want to rape the new guy but i can't. i dont' think he'd go for it cuz then he'd want to be in a relationship and i don't want to. it may seem shallow but i'm not attracted to him. i kinda wish i was cuz he's a good person, but i aint.

man this Jitterbug Perfume book is really good. I think i'll try to read all of Tom Robbins now. This is my second book about aromatics...the first being Perfume by Patrick Suskind. i love smelling. it is the best. certain smells can be like time machines...they'll take you back, but you can't change anything. bus pollutants remind me of Guadalajara. Certain detergents remind me of hand washing clothes in mexico...posole or menudo reminds me of mexico. old books...well old things in general remind me of my old old neighbors and all of their knick-knacks. how fun...scent memories.

anywho, time to get back to work...now that i have it.

peace out suckers...(i'm the only sucker)

ps. i just remembered this but yes, yesterday on my way back to work, i happened to make a left turn onto Coal, and who do i happen to be driving behind? If you guessed Reggae-Man you are correct. That's like the 4th or 5th time seeing him. On the 10th time i should stop him and tell him to collect his free sandwich..or something like that.

Feelings nothing more than feelings

2009-05-27T09:58:00.002-06:00

so this roller coaster ride that is my period is wreacking havoc yet again. this morning was crazy. i was late to work. i wanted to kill all the drivers on the road and other things as well but hey at least i don't have killer cramps.

at least it's wednesday. two more days then the weekend. life does fly by fast. i have to work on all these things like finishing some drawings and fatty's b-day card.

i have to book my flight for the wedding in september. i still dont' know how many days i want to take off but for sure i should take a few off so that i can visit both dario and joseph. i can't wait to be back in california. the beach, the food, the people...the craziness. life goes on. i played my small role in california.

work seems to be picking up just a bit but we still need a fab job. anywhozle...the end. i ate some cantaloupe that may be making my stomach feel funny. it could be smelling this bath and body works lotion. i don't really like their stuff. it's all scent. i need to tell my sister to never buy me lotions again unless it's like gold bond or burt's bees.

argh

2009-05-26T07:21:00.002-06:00

my eyes burn, i have cramps and my hair is a mess. three day weekend was not long enough. yesterday i was riding high on my painkillers...it was sooo nice. took naps. couldn't sleep too well. kept waking up swearing i heard things. had to make sure doors were locked. woke up at 4am...fucking cramps.

i want to nap....

Is there a (dick) Doctor in the house?

2009-05-22T15:10:00.001-06:00

harh harh harh...
notice the deep breathing at the end.

My Little Peppola!

2009-05-22T14:38:00.005-06:00

her future as a dog-model is uncertain. she looks terrified. she shuts down when anything is put around her neck.

check out that cute dog sporting an awesome necklace.

it's raining it's pouring

2009-05-22T14:06:00.002-06:00

the old man is snoring...

My first Peter Paul and Mary album had this song on it ("It's Raining"). A children's song. It's beautiful. I'm at work now

BASIC NECESSITIES
water
food
shelter
love
awareness

as i was leaving the gas station i saw a mother and child walking away from the station towards the main road. it's raining right now. they were wearing flip-flops. their attire looked a bit disheveled. i thought of baby Toribio. one witness said she saw him trailing his mom by a great length. his mom was walking ahead, leaving him behind. i thought of this because the little girl was following the older woman.

i really really really want to be around my nephew right now. i love playing with that boy. we were playing with an empy tin from a small candle and a small ball made of cork. he is sitting on my mom's bed and i'm next to it, leaning on it. i put the ball in the tin and balance it on my head. then i'd let it fall and act really surprised. my nephew liked this game. then he held the tin and i tried to throw the ball so that it landed in. we had so much fun with nothing. this boy doesn't need toys, he needs people to play with him...people to really engage him and be there. i love when i get home and he's there. Yarn-Ball is another game we invented. basically i have a small ball of yarn...i then ask him, "ready?" he says, "yes," and gets into position to catch, a few feet away from me. next i throw the yarn ball at him. if he doesn't catch it, there's a mad scramble to see who will get the yarn-ball. i never let go of the loose yarn end, so i try to reel it in before he gets it. then i spend 2 minutes winding it back up. i should write a book on entertaining childrens on the cheap. ooh ooh then there's the box sled. all you need is a box large enough for the child to sit in comfortably and a sturdy belt. you secure the top flaps away and punch a hole in one side of the box and loop the belt through. the child gets in and you pull him around the house. this game is awesome for the child but tiring for the one pulling. three times around the living room then i'm done.

that was fun. all that rambling. i'm getting emotional and it's right on time. as my weapon of mass destruction chart shows, the time is fast approaching for the monthly bleed. it's time for pms as well.

i am not a morning person when there are other people in the house. my mom woke up early and asked if i needed help with anything. i said yes and she started helping me with my food. of course something or other leads me to say some bitchy thing, or have some sort of attitude. then my mom asks me why i do that. why am i mean to her. the answers may be that i'm not a morning person and i'm a kitchen nazi. i like having my fruits and veggies "chopped" or "diced" a certain way. that's just the way it goes. if ever there came a day when this changed, i would be happy.

lets see...what else. oh yes, work is slow. the hours will be cut. fuck you economy.

fuck cheney

2009-05-22T07:38:00.004-06:00

it's like the car crash you can't look away from.
you know there is death and destruction and blood
but you can't look away.
maybe you look away, knowing this
death and destruction is there...
will always be there.
but is that enough?

To either direct or avert our eyes.
are these the only options open for us?

i'm thinking about death, destruction
and rebuilding.
do we need to go through the fire to come out clean?
are we constantly being tested
but somehow we're not aware?
when the heat is set on high
we begin to sense it, feel it...

(post title unrelated to random babbling)

Tyrus Toribio

2009-05-22T07:05:00.003-06:00

This is the name of the little boy who was found buried in Alvarado Park. They finally found his mother who killed him. twice. smothered twice. i can't understand this. i just think of my nephew and how beautiful he is and i don't see how a mother could kill her child. it's heartbreaking. so here i am at work crying.
To think this little boy only had his mother and she didn't do right by him. I don't have to see his picture anymore. His face is burned into my memory.

So i guess there ARE certain types of people who shouldn't have children. I'm going to base it on a mixture of mental health and socio-economic standing. Tiffany Toribio should not have had a child. Of course i don't know her story and it's always easier said than done. I mean how many kids are planned? But still.....

XOXO

2009-05-21T15:10:00.002-06:00

a beacon in the dark is Gossip Girl. i'm like mad-stressin' about money and my future at this job, any job. will there be a job? will we survive this recession? are we in a depression yet? probs. times like these i wish i wasn't a fuck-up. i wish i was smart about college and took care of business. i want the mad money...only sometimes, like when i'm extremely broke...

to be continued...

oh wait..yes, this was going to be about how i have the next season of Gossip Girl to look forward to...

Chuck and Blair y'alls...they're in love.

whirlwind weekend

2009-05-18T08:48:00.002-06:00

friday: therapy 5-6pm. made progress.
6:40pm-walked with Marie
9ish...hung out with chad
-we are officially "friends". i thought it'd be weird but he took it well. so well in fact makes me question how much he liked me...anywhozle.
12am ish...home

saturday: sleep in to 10ish...lounge around all lazy like. parents are at the swap meet. head over to bro's house. he fixes the headlight, puts air in tires and scolds me for how dirty the car is. next, auto zone, then car wash.
5pm mass with parents....left house at 7:30pm...head to marble brewery. drink alone for about an hour then meet up with new guy and his friends.
we proceed to get kinda drizunk. his friends are hot hot hot...mmm, nature men. anywho, i drank too much. we move my car to new guys place and head to some other friends house to razzle w/chronic. things started spinning. finally leave...fall asleep on new guy's recliner. wake up at 4:58am...go home. sneak in. try not to wake my dad who's sleeping in the living room.

i wake up at 12...parents are gone. i pretty much stay in my room all day and try to clean. when i go out i hear my mom talking about me to my sister. good for them. they can talk all they want but she doesn't live here and i'm young i need a life. so yeah, i was pretty much in a not happy mood all day and my mom looks like she's going to have a fuckin' anxiety attack. she really needs to go to therapy. ha. the whole fam comes over and eats Caldo de Pollo. i get ready for work...the end.

drinking changes things. like wanting to sleep all day. i'd do that today but i need to do things like exercise and watch Gossip Girl, umkay? umkay.

my dad left this morning. i didn't hug him goodbye. i kind of feel bad. i mean he was here and i could've tried to bond, but sometimes i think it's too late, even though it's not. he's just so annoying. that's prob how i am. whatev...hope he makes it back to cali safely. hope my mom is okay.

new fave show

2009-05-15T08:33:00.001-06:00

Head Case

and it's on netflix...holler!

fuck

2009-05-14T12:16:00.002-06:00

i am broke. so broke i owe the mothertrucking bank money. so when i get paid tomorrow it is all going away. there are bills to pay. i hate not having money. th end. that's been stressing me out. it's making me want to eat some chocolate. good thing i can't afford it.

i will seriously have like 40 bucks for two weeks. and that's only if i do nothing, buy nothing...nothing. i guess i can focus on other things like staying at home for fun.

hmmm

2009-05-14T08:29:00.004-06:00

i'm enjoying some Band of Horses right now. the new guy burned them for me.

this is my favorite song so far...Marry Song

it's so nice. we hung out last night. lots of talk. we drank some beer. razzled. more talk. i had to leave because my mom called me because my dad was pissed, or course. i wish i could tell them, "hey i'm 26, get off my nuts." i have to move out first, but that means i have to save...i have to budget.

when i left, new guy was getting up to walk me to my car..he goes for the hug, probs a kiss and i tell him, "can we take it slow?" then he sits down and i walk to my car. i don't think he liked that but i can't lie to myself. i like him and will try to do the friends thing and encourage him to find some other girl for romance...but i know when that happens we'll no longer be friends. for now i'd like to be friends. i can't make myself like him. he doesn't do the right things for me. his style, his way, whatev is not compatible with me. so yeah...my dad leaves on monday. next week is book club..woo hoo. i'm almost done and yes it got better. i wonder if new guy will still burn me all that music? i hope so...i need to think of more friendsy things to do...like maybe as a friend i can try to help his kitchen...he is not prepared.

or a hike? i think the fact that he's so big and so sedentary is a turn off. i guess if i had an indication that he was trying to get healthier (aka: lose weight) i'd feel better about the whole thing.

these are my jams today

2009-05-13T09:45:00.003-06:00

band of horses
my morning jacket
explosions in the sky
the shins
rilo kiley
dcfc
iron and wine

thanks pandora...now i'm really wanting to go to the record store and pick up some of these, in particular Band of Horses and My Morning Jacket. I love the dreamy aspect of this music. It's like music for a hot windy day...what do you know? it's a hot windy day. i need to get speakers going in my room so that i'll be able to move the record player to my room from time to time.

i wanted to listen to music while i cleaned my room the other day and had to pop in a cd in the dvd player. laptop, now i miss you. it's okay though...it's just stuff. everthing is just stuff so lets not get too crazy.

i was reading through mollshewrote today and she had reblogged about how, "if some guy hasn't ruined Radiohead for you, you haven't been in love." this reminded me of Y.C. He was big into RH. and i do believe at some points i felt in love with him. when does the beating of my heart, the rise and fall of my chest, the wistful sigh...when does it turn into love?

i'm broke

2009-05-12T12:05:00.002-06:00

and it aint no fucking joke....why...why can't i manage my money. why do i just spend and spend. this reminds me of the college days, but unlike the college days, i get paid this friday. after i get paid i get to give my money away for the bills that've been there...oops. okay, no more going out and spending like crazy. i have 50 dollars. that is sad. after lunch i'll have about 35 dollars. the end.

i'm going to not let my broke-ass-edness ruin lunch. new boy needs to step up the plate, umkay. i need someone with plans, someone assertive. like okay, i'm getting lunch today...does this mean he'll put out...of course not. am i being dicked around with? no...there is no dick. man...okay i need to stop before i get really dark-sided. time to laugh it off and listen to Sarah Vaughan sing Bewitched...

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY

time to protest

2009-05-12T10:05:00.001-06:00

Mr. Show - Protesters - watch more funny videos

bossa nova....

2009-05-12T09:30:00.003-06:00

ella

2009-05-12T09:22:00.000-06:00

how can i not love music?

i need to get paid so i can buy this

2009-05-12T08:46:00.001-06:00

Mr. Show pretty much rules.

IDS

Larry Learns Guitar - watch more funny videos

i have a major boner for David Cross...

Modern Rod McKuen?

2009-05-11T10:47:00.003-06:00

at 4:34 he actually sings a bit from a song Rod McKuen also sang (McKuen translated it). Seasons in the Sun...from Le Moribund by Jacques Brel...

here's another one by kareoke man

perfect break-up song

Lover Man

2009-05-11T10:23:00.002-06:00

i love her voice...i love this music

NO NO NO

2009-05-11T08:49:00.003-06:00

that is me fighting the urge to buy cigs at lunch time. i won't do it. i've already relapsed too many times with them and i know i'll smoke more of them, i just don't want to buy them. i'd like to not want to smoke them ever again. i'll let you know how that goes.

so mother's day 2k9 was the bomb. there was the usual hasstle of trying to get the mexican males to help with the prep. my dad is such a comadre. he's such a talker. when he wants something it has to be then and there, drop what you're doing, but god forbid he do something that is asked of him. if he ever does do something it's only after 3 hours and much pleading...maybe some yelling. anywho, the food was the bomb. my jamaican jerk chicken kabobs were off the chain. there were beans, rice, nopales, salad, corn, carne asada, pollo asado, panela...too much good stuff. i'm actually eating beans for lunch today.

so i went out saturday night and there were no questions on behalf of the parents. i want to go out again today but i'm not too sure how it will go. but then again, this is my life and it needs to be lived....

so back to the business with the boy. he wants a relationship but i told him i'm not ready for that. we'll see how i feel about it later, but basically we might have to be friends because he's done putting out...the other day he wouldn't kiss me because he said kissing meant something to him. so basically he's making me work for it. this is new. my first thoughts when hearing this was, "Challenge!" I really do think like a dude...the conquest is funner, right? so yes i don't know where that is right now, but it's not a bad place.

yesterday my dad wanted me to show him cock-fight videos on youtube. this made me frustrated because how the hell is he going to learn the internet in five minutes. i had to get ready for work. well, actually i could've stayed in the living room chilling, but it's not as fun when there's other people in the house. i really do love my space. i find some videos for him and i'm trying to explain how it works and he keeps complaining about the video quality...anywho, that made me want to sneak out and razzle. i did. i needed more.

okay the end...time to get back to work.

too much good stuff. pt.2

2009-05-07T14:24:00.002-06:00

i'm totes lounging at work. i've got pandora on diana krall. this is some good stuff. it's making me sentimental. i'm going over old myspace messages. lame, i know but it's fascinating to see how quickly things change. how words lose their meaning. how quickly people jump off the bridge. anywho, maybe i should change it but it's too good.

i'm craving a genres mixed cd, or rather mixed-genres cd

metal
folk
indie
lofi
electronic
rock
country
anti-folk
noise
blip bloop
classical
rancheras

on the way to the coffee shop today i was really wanting to pull over and buy cigs but i didn't and now for some reason here i am all over again really craving one. i think it's that before i always had some in the drawer at home, but now i know there aren't any at all. don't know what to do. i probs shouldn't smoke...this way i can call today my new quit day. 050709...consecutive odds.

we'll see how i'm feeling later.

ja ja ja....no manches guey

2009-05-07T09:23:00.001-06:00

i could do this shit...for realz...i can.

this will forever make me laugh...
and so will this....

too much good stuff

2009-05-06T13:59:00.003-06:00

i'm feeling good. i just rsvp'ed for this month's book club meeting. i've been here almost two years and i'm just now going to a club meeting. baby steps. progress.

oh how i love drinking iced-tea. so refreshing. so icy cold. today the heat began. fatty wanted hot, she should've stayed today. i'm burning up out there.

my bro's fam is back and i'm happy i get to see them today. well that's the plan, but i need to clean first. i wonder if my nephew still remember me? well, i'm sure he does but i wonder what's new in his little baby world. does he still want to play with me? i hope so, because that kid is a cute little mother trucker.

blargh...i have work to do so i guess i should get to it. i'm going to start mapping the locations in this city that i've 'met' people. there'll be a few dots on there. how fun. i can do a precedent study of sorts, but with my life. i may miss school.

i miss scrabble. i need scrabble. scrabbleicious...that's like 87points yo.

awesome

2009-05-06T06:59:00.002-06:00

so my time w/fatty has come to an end. she's in a plane right now heading to san fran, only to head back down to ontario, then proceed to seattle. what a pain. anywhozle, her visit was pretty much off the chain.

i cannot go back to Atomic Cantina for a while.

hot springs
tent rocks
sandia peak tram
mexican food market
scrabble
razzle
dranking

good times

my family returns this week. i want to sleep after work but i have to yet again jump right back into cleaning. those weeds aint going to pull themselves.